Say Your Prayers
Today I did something I don’t usually do. I opened up and shared my fears and my feelings with someone really close to me. Its not to say I don’t bitch and moan from time to time – and God knows I love to vent – but rarely do I share what’s really happening, deep down inside. I guess its fear, and apprehension about the situation; saying it out loud means it’s real. There is an element of respect for the special people in my life – I don’t like to share what’s bothering me for fear of implicating them in some way that may stick or hurt them once my storm has passed. I feel a sense of duty to hold it in and not burden those around me who have so much going on for themselves. And I suppose if Im being really honest, I don’t ever think that by talking about it its actually going to make me feel better or change anything – surely a problem shared is a problem…doubled??
But today I got a call. “Are you ok? I sense there is something up?”
I responded, “yeah Im fine just a bit going on, you know…but Im good”.
Luckily for me, I was met with gentle persistence and somewhere along my delusional road to denial I just let it flow – it kind of just came out as one thing and morphed into this barrage of anger and sadness and utter helplessness. I knew I was embarking on new ground with this person – we had entered a new phase in our relationship – and I wasn’t sure where this would lead me. Was it another one of those conversations that would lead to me just feel worse and the problem being public?
Last night I prayed. I don’t pray as such as Im not religious but last night I prayed to God. In desperation I lay in bed and arms wide and to my sides completely open I asked for something, for anything to help. I asked for courage and guidance and I handed my stress over as, what else was I to do? I forgot about my pleas today as I was driving from one errand to another. I was engulfed in the detail and under heavy bricks I made my way through the day, smiling but not congruent. Singing, but not joyful.
As the reached the driveway tonight and I sat in the car, little one in the back asleep, lullaby on low, I looked up at the moon and felt safe. Its been some time since I felt that way and these past few months have been some of the toughest. Literally feeling like I could runaway and hide given half a chance to get out the door I have felt torn between love and anger, frustration and trust, loyalty and self-righteousness. The words though that were spoken today, the words through the phone, they were ringing in my ears.
I was reminded that its all part of the journey, that it is indeed ABOUT the journey. That my beautiful man has the kindest heart, the best of intentions and is pioneering with passion and purpose – how many people live their life fully immersed in passion and good intent? I was acknowledged for being a good mum, I was told that my little girl was beautiful and that I am loving and gentle to watch. I was reminded that it all will be ok in the end, and that it always is. I was told that the cycle will end, and that it will start again when we are stronger, wiser, recovered and ready to learn the next step. I know I know…clichés. But I needed them so desperately, I needed someone to remind me that these things were true, that at the heart of all that is wrong today there is good, there is love and there is a willingness to learn and grow. With tears and truth in the words I felt connected and bound in all the ways I need to be. I was reminded that I am not alone and that I am loved. I didn’t notice that from the moment I hung up the call I started singing with a genuine smile as I drove to the next destination, kids in tow. I didn’t notice the load of bricks somewhat lessened. I didn’t even notice the massive beam across my face or my heart alight with fire.
I had no idea that I would get everything I needed in that call. The spontaneous and rushed call between locations. I had no idea that being this down I could find hope and even a glimmer of eagerness to see what would eventuate out of this situation…what silver lining would shine through as it inevitably does.
Most surprisingly of all, I had no idea that prayers were answered so damn quickly.
To my amazing dad, I love you – through thick and thin xxxx