Dichotomy. I am indeed.
There is nothing else I would rather be doing, other than 100 other things I would rather be doing.
There is a dad who frequents our local playground. He comes in the gate, takes his phone out of his pocket, sits on the swing with his 18 month old, and starts the conversation. There is no swinging, there is just the conversation. Meeting times, locations, details details. I watch the little girl as she stares at the other kids playing and the other mums and dads sliding down the slide, holding hands up the tricky wobbly planks. She isnt squirming to get down, she just watches. Faith and I finish swinging and I stop eaves dropping and we leave the park, happy and exhausted. I’m sad for the little girl as her dad is still chatting on his phone on the stationary swing.
It got me thinking. I am so grateful for the freedom I have to stay home and parent Faith full time. This is something I treasure more than anything. I get to direct her activities, nurse her hurts, wear her to sleep, be there when she wakes. I get to be the one who disciplines her, guides her, and witnesses her firsts. Today she said a new word…’bath’. Her all time favorite thing to do. I love that we have the freedom to bath at any time of day, playing together with Mr Penguin on the wall. Its what my heart has longed for and as my only child, I wanted more than anything to be with her for as much time as I could. So that is the decision Craig and I made. We are absolutely broke doing it, but we are happy.
Of course…having said that….the park bores the absolute shit out of me. I don’t really want to bounce on the bouncy chair thing. I dont really love trying to fit my butt into the child swing next to Faith, but I do because she kills herself laughing. I dont really love idle chit chat and Bakers Delight scones from the bag in the freezing cold wind. I dont really love the chasing and the catching and praying and falling. (I do love the slide though). Furthermore, if I hear the Wiggerly Woo one more time this week I may snap. If I have to look for the blasted Green Sheep, twist my tongue around Dr Suess or cook one more uneaten meal I will scream. I dont find this stuff ‘fun’. I know some mums do, but I don’t.
There are many things I would love to be doing. Id love to be drinking margaritas. Id love to be earning money so that our bank would stop calling, Id love to be studying full time, Id love some sleep, some dairy, some heels, some junk food. Id love a movie, a holiday, a book in the bath. Id love a 2 hour massage. Id love 2 arms to cook with and some stain free clothes and Id love to be swinging from the occasional chandelier.
My point, is that I would love to be doing all these things, but at the same time, in the same breath, in the exact same moment, there is nothing more wonderful to me than the smile on Faith’s face as I reluctantly squeeze my butt into that swing. There is nothing I get more excited over than watching her dance as she knows all the moves to the song, to seeing the delight in her face as we play peek a boo in the perspex bubble at the park. I adore that she must wash the dishes, hang the washing, add the salt and stir the dinner WITH me. I love that she drops whatever she is doing to run and sit on the kitchen bench to put the mushrooms in the pot as I chop them. I love that all these things take about 3 times as long now. I love that I have a bath with her every night and that not once do I lay down and immerse myself into it as then, how could I play ‘lets drive the boat’?
Today as I watched the man come in again and head straight for the swing, phone in hand, I grabbed Faith and gave her a squeeze. She giggled and nustled into my neck and I thought of how impossible it is for me to make a phone call these days. And at that very exact moment I thanked God for my life and my beautiful girl and for being at the park, with her. Truly with her.
She consumes my life and my soul and I am exhausted and totally and utterly in love.
A dichotomy is any splitting of a whole into exactly two non-overlapping parts, meaning it is a procedure in which a whole is divided into two parts.
And indeed I am.