The Birth of Faith
Darling Faith, your birth story starts 4 years ago, when I got really sick. My mum had just died unexpectedly and so young, and as a result I would spend the next 3 years clearing the emotional past and working through some very difficult issues so as not to pass the patterns onto you, and to heal my body. In that time I had 12 blood transfusions although I probably needed about 18. I lost so much blood; I was scared and I was also told I probably wouldn’t be able to carry a child. I was devastated and did what ever I could to clear the emotional causes for the physical troubles I was experiencing. I saw counselors, did Breathwork, searched within and meditated, talked and delved – all whilst managing the physical stuff – examinations, blood tests, iron infusions, operations. There were several key pivotal moments, which stand out in the mix of all the elements towards healing the past and my body. I experienced a feeling of oneness with all that is during a retreat, which showed me the way I could feel in the future – it was a window. As I lay back, naked in the freezing water with my eyes closed I was enveloped with beauty and radiance – everything is perfect – have faith. Years later I would be given the opportunity to experience the Lifeline technique, albeit in front of a crowd of people. From this day the memories would be unlocked I would start to relive and face the past, as scenes would come randomly back to me in the middle of wherever I was; whatever I was doing. It was throughout this time I felt you hovering near by, urging me on, smiling and waiting for me to clear the past so we could have a different future. This was a tough few months but with help I got through the anger, the sadness and the rage that was presented. Your daddy fixed a few doors. “What’s next?” I asked, feeling raw but cleansed and eager to move forward having shed the heavy skin I had carried for years. “Tantra” came the reply as I recoiled in my chair. Off I went, knowing this was the biggest bridge to cross yet. I was surprised that the most difficult thing for me was to be intimate in the simplest of ways. My first breakdown came when I had to stare into your dad’s eyes. I couldn’t do it. It was too much, too close. The battles continued those five and a half days but we got through and came out closer and more connected than ever before.
It was amazing and I hope to share the teachings of this ancient practice with you one day so that you are always honored and know your true power and reverence both by yourself and others. “This must be all I have to do,” I thought. What else could there be? I began seeing the next teacher on my journey and realised the most foundational block was missing. I needed to love myself. Not just who I was now, but each me throughout the years. The baby me, the child me, the awkward and unpopular me, the nasty me, the guilty me, the needy me, the sad and searching me, the rejected me, the lonely me, the real me under all the pretend ‘me’s’ I had tried to hide. This process was profound. I pictured me as you. My unborn child, perfect to me in every way; that I would love regardless of what you did, who you were, what you looked like. I took this unconditional love and compassion and wrapped myself at each age in it.
In December 2009 – 3 years after it all began, we began the IVF process. The lump the doctors had gone in to look for years before was there, big and present. This was the accumulation of the years’ work. The emotions that had led to the bleeding in my uterus “holding onto past hurts, regrets, disempowered, victimized, feeling forced, disappointments and failures from the past, self-sabotage, struggle and suffering, discounting the feminine, hurts and rejections, neglected and seeking to be good enough” (Inna Segal) had now manifested together, in one place and could be removed. It was time for them to go. Could the doctors have removed this earlier? Could this have all been prevented? In my heart I know the answer is no. This was the process you were waiting for. We went in and got it out. It was over. 2 months later I was pregnant.
During this time I continued the work. Blessings, Tantra again only this time we were so different. We were together, united and it was fun. We had learned so much and come so far. While in Bali we received many healings and blessings from masters and healers and traditional doctors. You were sung to and blessed by our group in the sweetest of ways. I did the Goddess Within workshop, read countless books, watched DVDs and released the pain of my own birth. I was surprised at how much this hurt. I purged and mourned for my mum and especially for myself for many weeks. I wrote words of love, wisdom and well being filled with loving energy on my belly and did Breathwork so that we could heal and prepare together. We were so privileged to have a wonderful Sacred Circle and baby shower with endless displays of love and devotion. It was magical.
And so after a wonderful pregnancy we arrive at February 11th 2011, the day you were born. The night before your dad and I went for a walk down the lane and picked berries with the dogs and held hands wondering if tonight was the night. We walked that lane almost every night for 4 years but tonight we both commented on how many butterflies we saw! Almost 20 – we both secretly knew it was a sign of new life. It was 1:40 am when I woke up dreaming of contractions, only to realize they were real. They were quite strong and although I tried to sleep through them so I would feel rested they hurt so much I got up instead and went into the lounge room. Your dad had spent so much time getting the room prepared for you – he set the pool up and took pride in having it set up nicely.
Your nanna spent time scrubbing the carpets so you could come into a nice clean room. I spent the next hour sticking affirmations around the room and burning incense and oils to prepare. I spent some time connecting with you. I explained what would be happening and how we would need to keep working together as a team just like we had to get to this point; that it would be hard work but wonderful in the end. I prayed a peaceful and positive birth. I asked my mum and the universe for help and guidance and centered myself. I sent messages to those who were expecting them so they could send us love and positive energy. I emailed friends in India and they prayed and meditated for us. We were ready…by 430 am I woke up your dad. He called my nanna and she lit our candle. We showered together so I could lean on him and sway through the rushes. We called Lisa, Narrah and Aaron and they arrived soon after. It was still dark outside but not cold – it was going to be a beautiful cool morning. I hoped labor would be between 8 and 12 hours.
With everyone around me I had music playing – a great mix of Michael Jackson, Skunkhour, Tristen Prettyman and a mish mash of various other genres that would keep me somewhat distracted. Watermelon, freshly squeezed juice and natural jellybeans kept me energized and hot packs on my back were an absolute Godsend. The first stage of labor was nice. I got through my contractions by leaning over the combustion heater, swaying and moaning. As it happened I had placed the affirmation to “release my birth patterns” right above it and so every time I looked up I read it. As the sun rose I spent time outside in our beautiful garden crying and releasing the emotions that were coming up. They were old tears – I couldn’t say what they were about other than it was time to let them go. Narrah, Aaron and Craig would alternate rubbing my back while I cried and released. I would then go back inside and each time I looked up and saw the poster I would start again and outside I would go. This continued until the tears were done. I felt free of past hurts and the horror that was my own birth and I felt blessed that I had the opportunity to do this with you. I went through this process as the sun rose and the light rain fell. It was magical and I felt my mum with me in the drops of rain and the mist.
Your nanna, Craig’s mum, came by and hugged me – she said she was proud of me and I felt loved and not so alone.
I jumped in the pool. It was warm and soothing but I was scared. Lisa and Hannah were standing by encouragingly and Lisa came to the edge of the pool to see how I was. “I’m scared,” I said to her. “You’re in transition” she reassuringly replied. I remembered that this was talked about in yoga – the time when I would feel I can’t do it was when the time to take action would begin! I went to the bathroom and there was the show…it was real now – I was going to meet you so soon! I can’t remember the order of events but at some stage Craig and I were in the pool together and I was gripping and pulling on his clothes so hard. He took everything I dished out and was a rock. Narrah was holding my hands firmly as the crying began. My beautiful dogs kept wanting to comfort me with their licks and cuddles and wondered what on Earth was happening. Every now and then I would reach out and pat them and they made me feel so much better. I needed traction and the ground beneath me to push properly so Lisa suggested I get out and go to the bathroom. I have no idea how long this went on for – time was skewed. I believe it was in the bathroom that I really began crying and wailing. I remember thinking I just couldn’t do it – it was too much and I wasn’t strong enough. Your dad was amazing and I just held onto him so tightly. He didn’t leave me – not for a second. He is always there for me when I need him and now I knew I could sink deep into his strength and love. I needed Lisa in the room with me or I would panic – she kept me as calm as I was going to be. Hannah’s gentle encouraging words and Narrah’s strength and support were filling my heart with love.
I was nervous about how your Uncle Aaron would cope seeing me in pain and at home instead of the hospital. He was going to video the birth and take photos for us. He was just amazing. Throughout the labor he kept positive and every time I looked at him he met me with encouraging eyes and smiles. He didn’t let me down – I was so proud of his strength and so grateful for his support. I’ll never forget his happy face and thumbs up when I looked over as I was losing control and weeping in pain.
We moved from the bathroom to the bedroom and on the floor on my side of the bed I squatted and groaned. It was now that I got the kick up the butt that I occasionally need. Hannah and Lisa were giving me stronger and more ‘detailed’ instructions on what to do while Aaron, Narrah and your dad just kept encouraging me and ignoring – in the nicest possible way – my inane pleas for hospital help. They knew I wasn’t serious. They giggled in happiness as they saw I was getting closer and I yelled at them and screamed about 100 times “I can’t do this – I am going to fail at this” – ever the over-achiever trying to be perfect. The internal dialogue in my head was hilarious – it was as though I was split in two and half of me was watching and listening to the other half. One half thinking this was insane and promising myself I would never do this again, the other half of me listening and seeing the events unfold. I remember thinking I was SO loud. I eventually got to the place of surrender where my sane self said to my ‘losing control’ self; “I can’t do another one of those contractions so just do this now!” I had spent the last couple of hours running away from the pain instead of going into it and enough was enough. My sane self then heard the most guttural, animal sounds coming out of insane self – sounds I had never heard before and could not repeat now.
I lay back in Hannah’s arms and your dad held me on the side and was in the perfect position to look at me, see you and support me. I saw tears in Narrah’s eyes and Aaron nodding in wonder and amazement as they told me your head was half way out. Your dad was crying and smiling and I will always remember that beautiful look on his face and the quivering in his body. They told me they could see your little ear and that your hand was on your cheek. They expected me to rest for a moment then, but from somewhere deep inside I just pushed again so hard that you flew out past Lisa’s waiting hands! It was 1:39pm – 12 hours. She collected you up and you were soon on my chest. I was still reeling from seeing your beautiful little head emerge from my body. You were born in your sac and as you came out pushed your arms through and broke the membrane – such a powerful show of independence and a breaking of patterns from the past! It was unreal and SO real all at once. You made little sounds and within seconds were feeding– perfectly and so contently. How beautiful you were and how softly I was now speaking – the pain was gone and my world was filled with you and only you. I asked Craig what you were although I had caught a little glimpse and he confirmed that you were a little girl. We had named you already and so we announced it to everyone and then waited for your placenta to be born. It came within 20 minutes and was placed in a bowl. 1102 2011. What magical numbers. A rabbit like dad, an Aquarius like mum and beautiful numbers all of your own. How powerful and peaceful you will be. We spent the next hour alone – just you, dad and me. It was perfect.
Your petite little cord stayed attached to your placenta and we all moved 2 feet upwards into bed where we stayed together, skin to skin for 4 days. Untreated, your placenta was easy to care for and we gave it the respect it deserved as we waited for you to feel ready to kick it off.
On day 4 you began curling your little toes around the cord teasing us and keeping us in a state of anticipation. In the early morning of day 5 I woke to wipe your bottom. You were yet to wear clothes or a nappy and so I held towels under you as you slept on me and I tended to you throughout the night. I placed you down on the bed after a quick feed and a burp and noticed a serene and magical look roll over your face. It was almost slow motion. I looked again with a sense of knowing and connection with you and your cord was off. It was 407am – another 11. This is your number. I woke up your dad and we celebrated for you – what an empowering and touching moment. You were now your own being – strong, intuitive and completely here. You are everything I hoped for and although I feel we have been together for years, you are here now where I can touch you and love you in my arms, not just in my heart.
My mum’s last wish was for me to always hold faith as the most important thing in my life as it was in hers and so I named you Faith in memory of her love. Welcome angel – we have loved you and waited for so long.