It’s not you, it’s we.
It’s a funny thing when what repels you, inspires you. Tonight I was moved to be in a room full of those being inspired and those doing the inspiring. Mostly people assumed both roles in one-way or another. It was indeed a beautiful evening, amongst beautiful people. The connection for the cause was felt at all levels, the desire from those who attended to be part of the magic, and to delve deeper and deeper into growing it, shaping it and expanding it with work, time, energy, expertise, people and themselves was remarkable. It was like watching a meal being created slowly and tantalizingly as each ingredient added more depth, flavour and colour to what was going to be a most delicious and nourishing dish.
et, only days ago, I resigned from being part of this group. What’s even stranger is that I still stand by my decision however at odds with the awe and love I felt tonight for the process, people, concept and above all my husband.
It made my heart melt to watch Craig hug every recipient as they accepted their awards, and I wanted to reach out and embrace him when as though connected with my mind he shared that only a year ago he was uncomfortable with hugs. I gushed when he choked up with gratitude for Lucy, Ruby and the team. I cheered and laughed when Lorenzo was recognized for his outstanding love and commitment.
And of course I was filled with swarms of butterflies as Faith raised her arms above her head and happily joined in the clapping smiling up at me and then over at Craig, not realizing the enormity of what she was witnessing; Yes the ceremony, yes the inaugural induction, but really, the transformation, the change, and it having been initiated by her dad. Her Dad! What a role model, what a life she will live surrounded with consciousnesses, love, connection and community. What lessons she will learn and conversations she will have; displays of respect, balance, equality and sharing for people, animals and the planet. She will learn of building a world with vision and care and thought for future generations – this is her palate, this is what she will come to know as she grows and challenges and thinks and questions.
And yet, being part of the project, it’s not for me.
A year ago Faith and I attended the first presentation of Earth Communities, along with 4 other people. They seemed impressed and interested and I was intrigued. I had of course heard the material for 3 years and I was well and truly over it. I was bored with it, cynical, and at best, the devil’s advocate. I was of course hopeful for Craig, and happy to support his venture and enquiry but we were worlds apart on the whys, hows, wheres and just about every other matter, right down to the principles and premise. We often are. I guess one could say I should feel pretty stupid right now given how successful and quickly things are moving. But I don’t. I guess I could say he was right and I was wrong. But I wont. It would be easy to look around at all the people being affected, influenced, inspired, changed, moved and tonight inducted, and think, ‘well what do I know?’ But I don’t. I am not wrong, but I am certainly happy for Craig that he was right – that for him, ‘we’ was right.
Tonight I felt honoured to witness the intensity of the personal journey some had been on, and as the rocks were placed in the circle the passionate inner understanding they felt was obvious in their sharing a glimpse of it. This feeling of connection with others is real and right and empowering and everything we truly are. The room was alight with truth, and it felt good.
While I have sat back and watched it grow, fought tooth and nail with Craig about the details and the processes and the style and workings, at the end of the day I realized something really important. It’s actually ok for me to love Craig’s work and his passion without wanting to be IN it. It’s absolutely fine that although I was brought to tears tonight by the immense energy, affection and love in the room, its totally normal that still, I have no desire to join them. And the thing is I agree wholeheartedly with the intent; but this resignation, its not about the concept, the plan, the vision. Its about my marriage, my independence, my work, my vision and my dreams, and standing by them and what I am here to achieve and do.
I hate groups. I am not a team player. Committees bore me to a fidgeting slump in the chair. I don’t want to discuss it, meet about it, liaise with you about it. I am not a ‘we’ person.
I am an excellent manager, planner, worker, student. I like hierarchy, structure, rules, process, procedures. I like control – whether I am in it or reporting to it. I like my own company, my own space, my own things. I like to host parties, but not go to them. I like one on one, direction and a task list that I like to complete on my own. I am indeed an ‘I’ person.
What I loved about tonight, is that behind the ceremony and the buzz and the tears and celebration, was a realization for me. A contented knowing of who I am that was not present before Craig’s journey into ‘we’ began. I had tried to be in the ‘we’ and found that I felt ‘I’ disappear, turn inward and feel completely overwhelmed. I remember at one meeting I felt stunned and like I was drowning in a sea of ‘we’ with nowhere to go. I felt isolated in the most crowded room and all I could do was scream internally.
I am so proud to be Craig’s wife. I am so happy for him and the Earth Community. I feel privileged to have met so many wonderful people and hope to have them in my life for years to come. But I know who I am. And being who I am, right now -not last week, last year or in two years from now – is watching on as an observer of a most splendid awakening, making dinner for those who stop by, chatting with those who visit and work around the place. Ironically, I love an open house and a random drop in. But while I am observing, proud as punch and filled with hope, love and appreciation, I will do my own work, assist the planet in my own way, be a healthy and independent wife and mother.
Weve all heard the line, ‘Its not you, its me.’ Either pathetically spewing forth from our own mouths in an attempt to make someone else feel better or even worse from someone elses mouth as they desperately try not to offend, failing dismally. Perhaps both.
In this case I can honestly say that yes it actually is me. One day I might be able to do both or balance myself in a way that I am involved without being affected in the way I am now. I have found that its only since standing back, stepping away and allowing us to be separate, that I can truly appreciate all it is. Maybe one day Ill let go of the frustration and what I suppose is fear. But I feel whole enough to fully accept and cherish both my needs, my limitations, my strengths and my desires and those of the man I love and to tailor my life in such a way that I respect who I am without judgment of good or bad, right or wrong, whilst respecting who he is including his limitations, strengths and desires without the same judgment or label of right or wrong. To allow not only him to fulfill his life purpose and mistakes and accomplishments, but to also respect my own and not allow my own self to be enveloped and hidden behind his, regardless of how great, inspiring and wondrous it is. This feels healthy, this feels whole. After all, at the end of the day, it all just ‘is’. And we are both imperfectly perfect at each moment.